Living From Fear: Why So Many Women Stay Where They Don’t Belong (And How to Choose Differently).
Most women don’t stay stuck because they’re confused.
They stay stuck because they’re scared.
Scared to leave a job they’ve outgrown.
Scared to disappoint people.
Scared to change a relationship dynamic.
Scared to rest.
Scared to choose themselves.
Scared to trust that quiet voice that whispers, “There has to be more than this.”
I see this in coaching sessions all the time.
Brilliant, capable women sitting across from me saying:
“I know this job is draining me.”
“I know this relationship isn’t right.”
“I know I’m not happy.”
“I know I want something different…”
And then in the same breath:
“…but what if it’s a mistake?”
“…what if I fail?”
“…what if I’m being dramatic?”
“…what if I can’t handle it?”
“…what if I regret it?”
That’s not indecision.
That’s fear.
The Neuroscience Behind Staying Stuck
The brain has one primary job: keep you alive.
Not fulfilled.
Not aligned.
Not joyful.
Just alive.
So when you consider making a big decision - leaving a job, ending a relationship, starting something new, saying “no” for the first time - your amygdala sounds the alarm.
This triggers:
catastrophising
self-doubt
worst-case scenarios
overthinking
paralysis
second-guessing
people-pleasing
shrinking
delaying
avoiding
Your brain is not trying to sabotage you.
It’s trying to protect you from uncertainty.
To the survival brain:
Uncertainty = danger.
Familiar = safe.
Even when familiar is exhausting.
This is why so many women stay:
in jobs that burn them out
in roles that drain them
in relationships they’ve outgrown
in versions of themselves that feel too small
Not because they don’t know what they want - but because their nervous system sees change as a threat.
The Psychology Behind It: Fear Becomes a Lifestyle
Women are conditioned from childhood to avoid:
disappointing people
making the wrong choice
being judged
being “difficult”
being too emotional
being too assertive
being too ambitious
being too much
being not enough
So naturally, when it’s time to make a decision that affects you, your mind immediately goes to:
“What will everyone else think?”
“What if I upset someone?”
“What if I can’t handle the fallout?”
“What if I look selfish?”
I worked with a client recently who wanted to leave her job.
Not because she lacked resilience, or because she was “being dramatic,” but because she was burnt out to the bone.
She’d been carrying an impossible workload for years.
She was the one who always picked up the slack.
The one who said yes.
The one who rescued projects, smoothed problems, absorbed pressure, and held everyone else together.
And it was costing her.
Her sleep.
Her health.
Her confidence.
Her relationships.
Her ability to be present with her kids.
Her sense of herself.
She didn’t want to simply “cope better” anymore.
She wanted to leave because her body was telling the truth her mind had been ignoring:
This job is too much. It’s breaking me.
She knew all of this.
She had clarity.
She had evidence.
She had desire.
She had opportunity.
But she also had fear.
Fear of what leaving meant.
Fear of:
letting her team down
being judged for “not coping”
not being “loyal” enough
appearing incapable
not living up to expectations
not being perfect
When we gently unpacked it, she said something I hear again and again:
“I’m not staying because I want to.
I’m staying because I’m scared of what leaving says about me.”
That sentence breaks my heart every time - because so many women feel this way.
This is what fear does.
This is what burnout does.
This is what conditioning does.
It keeps brilliant women trapped in roles that no longer fit, not because they lack logic or strength, but because they’ve been taught their worth lies in endurance, not wellbeing.
A Moment From My Own Life
I’ve been that woman too.
There came a point in my corporate career when I knew - not dramatically, not suddenly, but quietly and undeniably - that I didn’t want to do it anymore.
I kept moving roles, teams, organisations…
hoping the next step would spark something.
Hoping passion would appear if I just worked harder, did better, climbed higher.
But the truth was simple:
I hadn’t felt energised by my work in a long time.
And I kept trying to out-run that truth with “sensible choices.”
It was sensible to stay.
Sensible to keep progressing.
Sensible to do the stable thing everyone nodded approvingly at.
Meanwhile my nervous system was screaming.
My body was braced.
My mind was exhausted.
I was performing competence in a life that no longer fit - and feeling quietly disconnected from myself because of it.
And still, I stayed far longer than I should have.
Why?
Fear.
Fear of not being “successful” anymore.
Fear of disappointing people.
Fear of losing security.
Fear of being judged for walking away from something I was good at.
The fear wasn’t about leaving.
It was about what leaving meant about me.
Women are praised for enduring - not choosing.
And breaking that pattern feels like rebellion.
What Happens When You Stop Living From Fear
This is the part that changes everything:
When your nervous system feels safe, you stop making fear-based decisions.
Safe women make different choices.
They don’t stay in roles that drain them.
They don’t minimise their dreams.
They don’t ignore their instincts.
They don’t settle for relationships that shrink them.
They don’t tolerate workplaces that erode them.
They don’t apologise for wanting more.
When fear isn’t driving, clarity is.
Clients tell me:
“My decision suddenly feels obvious.”
“I didn’t realise how loud fear had been until it went quiet.”
“I feel like myself again.”
“I can actually hear what I want.”
“I’m not scared of disappointing people anymore.”
This is what happens when the prefrontal cortex comes back online.
Safety restores logic.
Safety restores perspective.
Safety restores confidence.
Safety restores self-trust.
The Real Work: Learning to Choose Yourself Without Fear
Leaving a job, changing a relationship, or choosing a new path shouldn’t require a battle with your nervous system.
It should be a conversation with your truth.
This is the work I do with women - helping them move from fear-led decisions to self-led ones.
Because when you understand your mind:
your choices become clearer
your voice becomes stronger
your boundaries become easier
your tolerance for misalignment gets lower
your desire stops feeling dangerous
your self-trust becomes unshakeable
This is when life starts moving again.
What I Believe
I believe women stay stuck not because they lack courage, but because their nervous systems have never been taught safety.
I believe fear-led living is a survival strategy, not a personality trait.
I believe clarity emerges the moment your body stops bracing.
I believe every woman deserves to make decisions from self-trust instead of self-protection.
I believe the life you want is waiting on the other side of fear — but you were never meant to walk through that alone.
You don’t need to be fearless to change your life.
You just need to be supported enough to choose differently.
