The Biology of “Losing It”: What Actually Happens When You Snap.
Let’s start here:
You’re not a bad mum, partner, friend, or person.
You’re dysregulated.
And I know - that reassurance doesn’t always land when you’re sitting in the aftermath of a moment you wish you could take back.
When you’ve raised your voice at the kids.
Or snapped at your partner.
Or reacted sharply at work.
Or found yourself crying over something you know isn’t really about that thing at all.
I’ve been there too.
And the worst part isn’t the moment itself — it’s what comes after: the guilt, the shame, the internal lecture about how you “shouldn’t” be like this, the promise you make to yourself that you’ll “do better tomorrow.”
But here’s what most women don’t know:
Losing it isn’t a moral failing.
It’s a nervous system event.
Let me explain.
What’s Really Happening When You Snap
When you’re overwhelmed, exhausted, stretched thin, or mentally overloaded, your brain shifts out of “thinking mode” and into “survival mode.”
This happens in a split second.
The part of your brain responsible for patience, perspective, empathy, self-control, and reasoning - the prefrontal cortex - goes offline.
And the emotional centre of your brain - the amygdala - takes over.
Psychologists call this an amygdala hijack.
You know how it feels:
Your heart rate spikes.
Your chest tightens.
You can feel the heat rising in your body.
Your thoughts speed up or shut down completely.
And suddenly, the tiniest thing - a spill, a tone of voice, a question, a noise - feels like too much.
This isn’t you being irrational.
This is your nervous system shouting:
“I’m overwhelmed. I can’t hold any more.”
The Stress Accumulation Effect
Most women think they “snap out of nowhere.”
You don’t.
Snapping is almost always the final straw - the accumulation of:
mental load
emotional labour
decision fatigue
sleep deprivation
people-pleasing
unmet needs
constant responsibility
self-pressure
chronic overthinking
sensory overload
…and the belief you should be coping better
This is why your reaction to a small thing feels so disproportionate - because you’re not reacting to that thing.
You’re reacting to everything that came before it.
Your body is simply expressing the tension your mind has been carrying silently.
A Moment From My Own Life
Here’s the part most coaches don’t admit:
I still have moments like this.
One morning stands out clearly.
We were already running late.
One child couldn’t find their shoes - the shoes I’d asked them to put in their box three times the night before.
The other was crying because their toast was jam instead of honey.
And in the middle of the chaos - the noise, the rushing, the invisible list running through my head - I snapped.
Not a gentle “come on, let’s hurry.”
A sharp, frustrated reaction that came from somewhere deep and overloaded.
And immediately, the guilt washed in.
“I should be calmer.”
“I should be more patient.”
“I shouldn’t lose it like this.”
But guilt doesn’t regulate a nervous system.
Compassion does.
Understanding does.
The moment I realised it wasn’t about shoes - it was about a brain and body that had been stretched too thin - something softened.
Because you can work with biology.
You can work with a nervous system.
You can work with overwhelm.
You Don’t Need More Willpower -You Need Nervous System Safety
This is the part I want you to remember:
When you’re dysregulated, you cannot access your calm self.
Not because you’re not trying.
Because biologically, you can’t.
You can only think clearly, respond calmly, or choose your tone when your brain feels safe.
Safety switches the prefrontal cortex back on.
Safety reduces the amygdala’s alarm.
Safety brings you back into your body.
Safety returns your sense of choice, agency, and control.
Women don’t need to “control their reactions.”
Women need to restore safety.
So What Helps? (The Real, Practical Part)
Here are the things that truly move the needle:
1. Lower the Load Before It Peaks
If you’re overwhelmed at 9am, your brain didn’t get there at 8:59.
It got there over days or weeks.
Small changes upstream prevent big reactions downstream.
2. Name What’s Really Going On
“I’m overloaded.”
“I’ve hit my limit.”
“My nervous system is overwhelmed.”
Naming it gets you out of shame and back into truth.
3. Break the “should” loop
“I should be coping better” is the voice of survival mode, not wisdom.
4. Regulate in small, doable moments
You don’t need a 60-minute meditation.
You need 30 seconds of deep grounding.
5. Repair instead of punish
A simple, “I’m sorry - that wasn’t about you, I was overwhelmed,” teaches children (and adults) emotional intelligence, not perfectionism.
What I Believe (And Why This Matters So Much)
I believe women snap because we’re carrying too much, not because we’re too emotional.
I believe a regulated nervous system creates the calm you keep trying to force.
I believe shame keeps women stuck - understanding sets them free.
I believe your reactions make sense when you see what your brain is trying to protect you from.
And I believe every woman deserves a life where she doesn’t have to apologise for being human - only learn to support herself with compassion instead of criticism.
You’re not failing.
You’re overwhelmed.
And overwhelmed women don’t need judgement - they need gentleness, understanding, and tools that actually work.
